Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
