I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
