Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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