i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
