Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
