The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
