My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
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The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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