True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
All I want is dick and wine.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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