Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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