the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
