If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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