Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
