take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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