Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
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He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
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I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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