just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
This is my gift to your gina
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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