Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
we're making bets on your personal life
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
