I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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