I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
