O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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