as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
