Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
