well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
