thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
