I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
