tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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