Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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