we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
