Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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