If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
