My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
