you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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