Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
