Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
