Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Randomize
