I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
no you cant smoke seaweed
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
