I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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