I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
