May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
