i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
