Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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