OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
