just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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