Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Text me some of your sweat
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