Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
