I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
