i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
