You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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