I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
