My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
