I'm lost and stupid without you.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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