sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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