Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
