Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
