Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Randomize
