He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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