oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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