Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
