I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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