so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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