So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
